A Little Quandary

Since my daughter was born, I have advocated and practised a fairly relaxed style of parenting. We co-sleep. I breastfeed on demand. There have been no routines beyond the absolutely necessary. And in lots of ways it's worked well. I read The Continuum Concept and Three In A Bed when Martha was still only very tiny and I decided then that attachment parenting was the way for us. I have been lucky to have found this way fairly easy.

It is only now, as she approaches her first birthday that I am starting to realise that there may be some difficult choices rapidly coming my way.

Martha and I struggled to establish our nursing relationship. My post birth recovery was long and difficult and it seemed to take months for my milk supply to reach an abundant level. At 8 weeks old, Martha wasn't gaining enough weight and I was advised to supplement with formula. With a heavy heart and a lot of hesitation, I decided against it. There is nothing wrong with supplementing when it's necessary but Martha was active, alert and gaining weight (just not enough) and I was sure that with a bit of time and extra effort I could manage to breastfeed exclusively and keep her weight gain steady. And so I nursed round the clock. Every hour on the hour. I seemed to spend weeks and weeks glued to the couch or the bed. It was difficult, painful and dare I say it, a little boring, but our perseverance paid off and soon Martha was gaining nicely.

So it seems a little ironic and maybe even a little unfair that after all that effort I find that Martha and I now have the opposite problem! Since she began eating solid food at 6 months old, Martha has developed quite the appetite. She can certainly give me a run for my money at the dinner table! Her breastfeeding habits however have remained unchanged. She feeds often, both day and night and is still not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time. And since I feed her to sleep...there is alot of breastfeeding happening in our house!

All this has caused her to fill out a little (ok...a lot!) and last month, after I had taken her to our local baby weigh in clinic, I was told by the resident health visitor that I would have to do something about her rapid weight gain or there was a possibility that I would be asked to take Martha to see a paediatrician. She is not yet overweight, but if she continues in this same pattern, before long she will be. So of course I asked what solution was recommended. It turned out that the only 'something I would have to do' was controlled crying.

Now, I don't intend to pass judgment on anyone who has used, or felt it necessary to try controlled crying. For some parents, sleep deprived, exhausted and frustrated, I imagine it is the only course of action.

But for me, it seems wrong. For Martha, it seems wrong.

So I'm faced with a tricky decision. Do I carry on as we are - allowing Martha to gain more weight than is deemed 'necessary' or do I take some probably drastic steps to reduce her feeds? I know in my heart of hearts what I would rather do and it isn't option B!

But it's more important that I do what is right for Martha.

As I said. It's tricky...

I have no conclusion to this little outpouring. There has been no divine piece of wisdom benevolently bestowed on me yet, providing the solution to my dilemma! I just wanted to send my thoughts out into the cyber-wilderness and say a little wishful prayer that the answer will come to me, right when I need it.

And until then, I'll do the only thing I can think to do. Be a mother to my daughter.

"A mother's treasure is her daughter".

Catherine Pulsifer

Ending The Mummy Wars

Hold the presses! And don your hard hats. For there has been yet another study released, all about us modern mothers and the myriad ways we damage our children through the choices we make.

Except, this one comes with a difference. The results of a recent American study by The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development Study of Early Child Care has demonstrated that on balance, babies and young children do not suffer when their mothers go back to work within 1 year of giving birth and that, taking into account all factors (such as lifestyle, health of the mother, financial stability and child-care choices) the effect of having a working mother on a child is no different than the effect on a child when it's mother remains at home.

"The good news is that we can see no adverse effects," said American academic Jane Waldfogel, currently a visiting professor at the London School of Economics. "This research is unique because the question we have always asked in the past has been: 'If everything else remains constant, what is the effect of a mum going off to work?' But of course everything else doesn't stay constant, so it's an artificial way of looking at things.

"Family relationships, family income, the mental health of the mother all change when a mother is working and so what we did was to look at the full impact, taking all of these things into account."

Now, this is of course good news in many ways. Working mothers are frequently berated for their decision to work, despite the fact that many women not only need to work to make ends meet but are happier and healthier when given the opportunity to work outside of the home. And taking an over-simplistic view of things, happy mum = happy baby.

Except that it just isn't that simple. The findings of this study do indeed disprove, or at least throw into debate, countless other investigations done. But on closer inspection, the conclusions found seem to apply to only a small sub-set of working mothers. The study listed some advantages that children enjoy when Mummy goes out to work. Greater financial stability. Excellent child-care. An increase in quality of life and lifestyle.

Again, all good.

But is this really the reality for most working mothers? Waldfogel tells us, "This is especially good news for US mothers, who typically go back to work after three months because of the lack of maternity leave, but it equally will apply to the typical British family."

Hmmm...most mothers in the US return to work at 3 months post-partum because of a lack of maternity leave? This doesn't sound like choice to me. This sounds like institutionalised expectation. It sounds as though perhaps, there is a pressure placed upon these women to go back out to work, to earn some money, to do some 'real' work. Where is the happy mum = happy baby equation in this?

I simply don't see it.

The examples quoted are very telling also.

"Julie Wilson, 43, returned to work full time when her first son, James, was six months old. "We had a really good nursery nearby and it was absolutely fine. I really enjoyed my job and never considered changing my hours. I don't feel he missed me – he was happy at nursery. He was occupied all the time… Later on it was really educational."

When her second son, Ben, was born, she returned to work again, but went part-time. Wilson, who now works as a freelance, thinks the decision to work had no negative impact on the boys, now 12 and eight. "Looking at James now, he is a very rounded individual."

There is no single mother here, living in council housing or with her parents, desperately trying to forge a decent career and working at McDonalds to fund her education. There is no married women whose husband has been made redundant, forcing her to go back to the office job she hated Monday - Friday while her children stay at home with Daddy.

No, the women quoted in this study are the fortunate ones. They are the those women who have already dedicated time to their careers prior to having children. They are the women who need rely on no-one for financial support since they are successful, independently wealthy and able to afford the best child-care money can buy.

The conclusion that mothers should not feel guilty for the choices they make is valid and noble. Of course women should have the choice to work, just as men should have the choice to stay at home if they wish.

But there is a baffling display of confusion here, the assumption that a women who goes out to work is a woman who has chosen to go out to work. It's no doubt a huge relief for all working women, whatever their circumstances, to read that their working life is probably doing no damage to their children, but wouldn't studies such as this and the institutions that fund them better serve the women they are seeking to help by researching ways to enable more women to have the choice to stay home, if they wish?

The last 20 years of consumerism and global capitalism have forced most families into a 2 income situation, whether they want to be in one or not. How often is the phrase uttered "Oh, I would love to stay home, but we just can't afford it". This isn't a mindless excuse. It's a very accurate reflection of the enormous pressure that many in the developed world face, to keep accumulating, keep consuming and keep moving. Men are just as susceptible as women. And in many parts of the UK, the perceived necessity for Mummy to go out to work stems from the strive to afford decent housing, in a safe area, with (and this is crucial) good local schools. Try buying a family home in a nice area of Kent on £25,000. It's next to impossible.

I suppose my point is this: Positive encouragement of mothers and the tasks that they face is only ever a good thing. The founders of this study rightly sought to comfort the anxieties that working mothers feel and they did just that. The 'Mummy wars' and the insults and judgement that goes with it has go on too long and I for one welcome the findings of this study as demonstration that most mothers simply do the best that they can, for their families and themselves. But as well as encouragement and comfort, society should be seeking ways to help all families achieve a life that they feel is right for them, rather than relying on a promise that the life that they have probably isn't going to hurt them in the end.

Baby Baby

Ah, the joys of teething. Martha is going through another gum-related challenging phase and it's definitely causing us all a bit of stress.

Co-sleeping and breastfeeding help alot. After all, no one wants to be getting out of bed to pick up their crying baby at 4am...not to mention again at 5am, 6am and 7am.

But still, a few broken night's sleep can really play havoc with your body, mind and sadly, your patience.

So I'm writing this little post for Martha. As a reminder to myself of all the wonderful things about motherhood and just how much she has enriched and completed my life.

For every angry scream, there is a gurgling grin. For every clenched fist, there is a gentle stroke. For every red face, there is a calm smile.

In the midst of the tiredness, the screaming, the biting and the tears I hope she knows just how much I love her.

I can't wait for the day that I can tell her and she will understand.


"Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven".

Matthew 10:18

Her Journey

It's been a long time since I've visited The Vineyard. It's been difficult to know what to write about. Life seems to be moving at an exhausting rate. I can hardly keep up. I used to think as a little girl that having a family of my own would be the culmination of my achievements, I somehow thought life would pause. There would be no more journey, I had arrived at my destination.

I find that this is untrue in so many ways. My journey started long ago and it hasn't finished yet, but my daughter's journey is only just beginning. And I find the choices, options and decisions that I need to make on her behalf baffling at times.

Questions about where to live, what lifestyle to implement and how to best educate her are all raging at the present.

I realise acutely how lucky I am to have been granted the opportunity to make such choices.

But with any privilege comes responsibility. Few are greater than the responsibility of a parent to a child.

I'm banking on all the answers I need coming to me when I need them, at the right time.

Until then, I'll keep plodding on with a lot of hope, a lot of prayers and a lot of reading!


"Begin to weave and God will give you the thread".

German Proverb

9 Months Later...

My daughter turned 9 months old yesterday. This feels like a milestone in alot of ways. She is growing at such a rate now, she is virtually crawling and the sounds and noises she makes are seeming more adult by the day.

It has caused me to sit back and reflect a little on what has been the most wonderful, and challenging time of my life.

It seems like a life time ago that I sat watching two little pink lines appear on a home pregnancy test. That moment changed my life. And I knew it. No longer was I just myself...I was now responsible in every way for another separate, unique individual. That knowledge has a very sobering effect on a person.

And certainly since my daughter was born at 6 minutes to 6 on September the 2nd 2009, that sobering responsibility has loomed ever larger in my mind.

I have had to discipline myself in so many ways and forget so much of what I used to consider essential to a happy life. Sleep for one! I haven't had an un-interrupted night's sleep in nearly a year! Nor do I have the kind of 'me' time that I used to. My daughter may be able to sit up, feed herself and reach out for her favourite toy, but it is still me that must place her on her playmat, cook her meals and get her toys out of their box. No mother needs to be reminded that mothering is a 24 hour, round the clock job. That her practical, physical needs will lessen over time I have no doubt. But I can never see a time when I will feel any less responsible for her; for her happiness, her safety and her character.

I am incredibly grateful for the enormous blessing that is a child. She has changed my life in every way for the better and I am a wiser and hopefully less selfish woman for having her for my daughter.

So Happy 9 Month Birthday Martha!

With Love, From Mummy xxx

Because We're All Worth It

A friend of mine who has just recently had her first baby asked me a question the other day. One that I didn't have an immediate answer for. I'm used to responding to her queries about breastfeeding, baby sleep patterns, techniques for soothing and so on. But this one caught me a bit off guard.

She wanted to know how I slot in time each day to attend to my appearance. As most new mothers can attest, finding even 10 minutes in which to have a quick shower can be a challenge. Trying to look attractive on top of that is even harder.

But her question reminded me that this is actually really important. Not only for ourselves, as women, but also for our husbands and marriages.

Certainly when Hubby first met me, I had plenty of time to make myself look presentable. I wore nice, smart, pretty clothes. I did my hair. I carefully applied my make up each day. I exercised regularly and tried to watch my weight (I'm not naturally predisposed to being slim..it takes me some effort to stay at a normal weight) I wore high heels and overall, I took care of myself.

Fast forward to now and well, things are a bit different. I have a young baby. I no longer have time to spend each day carefully grooming myself. Fancy clothes and high heels are definitely out of the question and make up is not an every day thing anymore. My body is different after childbirth. I am still trying to shift the last of my baby weight as I have had to adapt to a whole new exercise regime (I've devised my own little routine to do with Martha while she is in her baby sling. She LOVES it!). Breastfeeding has meant that my proportions are now different. I am larger in some places, more muscular in others. I have stretch-marks where previously there were none and although I wear my pre-baby clothes they don't fit quite as well as they used to.

But I've realised that I still do try to look nice. For me and for Hubby. But looking nice these days has taken on a different meaning. I will never look exactly as I did 2 years ago. And I'm alright with that. So now, I try to focus more on simply looking presentable, neat and clean.

I have a 'housewife uniform'. A series of floral or patterned skirts that I wear with plain t-shirts. I rotate these, keeping one clean 'uniform' at all times. It doesn't matter if they get dirty (which they will!) as they are not expensive, they are not 'for best' and I always have another to change into. Very handy for when the baby has thrown half her dinner over my shoulder and Hubby is due home in 10 minutes!

I prioritise the 10 minutes that it takes to jump in the shower each day and have a good wash. This might mean that Martha has to sit in her chair or in her basket with little to see or do. She might even cry a little. But I consider this is a necessary evil. Baby does always come first. But Mum shouldn't be entirely forgotten about either.

My hair is long thick and wavy. It needs a certain level of looking after or it is a mess. So each day after my shower I give it a quick brush and then put it in pigtails or a side-plait. Occasionally I wear a headscarf which works wonders for keeping it under control. This is ideal now that Martha has reached that hair-pulling stage!

In the 10 minutes before Hubby is due home, I brush my teeth again, wash my hands and face, re-do my hair if necessary, change my t-shirt is necessary and apply just a little touch of concealer and mascara if I have time. I spritz myself with some perfume or I apply some scented moisturiser.

So by the time he comes through the door at night, I am clean, neat and hopefully looking a little refreshed!

All in all, it only takes about 20 minutes throughout the day. Hardly a major imposition on my time. But it fulfils a few vital roles. Firstly, it sends a message to Hubby that although we are firmly settled into family life, I still wish for him to see me as attractive. There is a temptation for women to begin to see themselves as 'only' mothers once they have a baby. This can have a really negative impact on a marriage. The role of wife should always come first. And part of that role is making an effort with our appearance. It is a very un-PC thing to say, but I really think it is true. After all, how many women would still find their husbands just as attractive if they suddenly gained 50lbs and stopped showering every day?

And secondly, it really does make an impact on how I see myself. I may spend my days doing housework with a baby strapped to me, but that doesn't mean I have lost all sense of who I am as an individual. It doesn't mean that suddenly I don't matter any more or that my value has decreased. Taking those 20 minutes a day is a reminder that it is important that I take care of myself. And it is about a lot more than just looking pretty. Eating well, exercising and relaxing, taking the time to look presentable and attractive...those things all come under the same umbrella in my book. They are all vital ingredients of a happy, healthy life. And us mothers need to be happy and healthy. For our babies...for our families. They depend on us.

So I advised my friend to do whatever it takes to get those few precious moments during the day to spruce herself up. Her partner needs it. Her baby needs it. She needs it.

Keeping The Peace

My daughter is now nearly 7 months old and I am already looking forward to having our next baby (but no...it hasn't happened yet!).

Before Martha was born, even while I was pregnant in fact, I found it hard to imagine life with a baby. I had never so much as held a newborn, let alone cared for one. Being with a baby (and not just any baby, but my baby) for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week seemed really quite incredible.

Now that I have grown accustomed to my new life as a mother, I'm excited about the prospect of our little girl becoming a big sister.

I'm not naive though. I'm aware that more children equals more work. And since Martha is...how shall I say...high maintenance, I've probably got my work cut out for me.

Life with a baby is never easy and indeed I have found in some ways that I have to work harder the older Martha gets. She is no longer content just to sit in her baby sling while I do some work or send an email or go for a walk. Now that she's "all grown up" she has opinions about what she wants to see and do and she's not afraid to express them! So instead of having a nap while I rustle up some biscuits in the kitchen or do the hoovering, Martha now makes attempts to get involved, by reaching out to put her hand in the mixing bowl or to grab a picture frame off the mantelpiece. Putting her down in her chair with her toys doesn't help much either. They keep her entertained for about 5 minutes or so, until she tires of them and wants something new. Children are most definitely hedonistic creatures!

So we have had to adapt to a new routine in the last few weeks. Martha now spends a lot of time strapped to my hip in her baby sling, but instead of just following Mummy around all day, she now listens to Mummy singing songs and explaining what activities we're engaged in. At various points during the day, the sling comes off and out come the baby books for a little story time. We've come a long way since those colicky first three months...

And it has occured to me that this is the real "trick" to motherhood...adapting. For if anything is certain (apart from death and taxes) it's that children will change as they grow. What suited one week will inevitably not suit the next. Just when you think you've cracked it, your little bundle of joy changes the goal posts and you find you're playing an entirely different game.

So I've made a promise to myself to just roll with the punches. Take each day as it comes. Getting hung up about a burned cake that couldn't be rescued from the oven in time due to a screaming baby is far more hassle than it is worth.

St. Paul's letter to Titus in the NT is a great encouragement for women who wish to dedicate their talents and lives to motherhood and family life...Titus 2 could even be regarded as the home-makers manual. We all know the admonishments...women are to love their husbands, love their children and be home-makers. But isn't it curious that in amongst what seems like quite a list of "chores", no where does it mention that we have to have perfect houses, or bake perfect cakes or remember to dust that spot on the bookshelf that always gets forgotten? It seems no provision is made for over-achievement...or any practical achievement for that matter. And it makes perfect sense really. For example, I would much rather eat a microwave meal that took 5 minutes to 'cook' with a smiling, happy, cheerful person sitting opposite me, than eat a 5 course, lavish, gourmet meal with a stony-faced, silent 'companion' . What matters to God and to our families is not how many jobs we accomplish on a given day, what matters is our manner and our attitude. A smiling face, a peaceful home and a content family is a far greater end of day result than a spotless house and a tense atmosphere.

This Scriptural 'loophole' is the assurance women today often need to hear. It tells us that it's ok to have more than 2.4 children. We won't need to hire a cleaner or a nanny if we have 6 kids. We won't need to have completed a course in home organisation and baby care if we choose not to space our children.

And it's my belief that where God leads, men usually follow(I'd like to emphasise the usually!). Most men might have some basic expectations of how they want their home to be...they might some stipulations about the meals they eat or how they like their laundry done. But what I'm willing to bet my last penny on is that the vast, vast majority of men would rather be greeted at the door by a smiling happy woman and a slightly messy house than by a spotlessly clean and ordered home and a woman who is so tired and frazzled that she can barely raise a smile, let alone a hug and a kiss.

The myth of the perfect housewife is just that. A myth. It's a popular myth granted...all over the media, we are bombarded with images of women who seem to do it all. They look amazing, they have perfect relationships, their homes are immaculate, their children well behaved. But I stand convinced of the deceit propagated by these portrayals.

True home-making has little to do with baking and sweeping and the such like. It is a state of mind. It is an attitude. It is the motivation to create a place of sanctuary for those we love. It is the intention to make a peaceful haven from the world, where peace and harmony rule.

And in that place, it doesn't matter where you have 1 baby or 14. All that matters is that you aim every day to keep the peace that God offers you.

And to top it all off...He'll even help you to do it.


"Seek peace, and pursue it".
Proverbs 34:14

Of Babies and Baking

Babies and baking don't mix well. And it seems that my baby in particular and baking really don't mix well.

Hubby and I are blessed with what is gently referred to as a 'high-need' baby. She is inquisitive, easily upset, very vocal and unwilling to sit or lie still for longer than a few minutes. She wants to do, see, hear and touch everything. Especially anything that I am doing, watching, listening to or holding. So when she's not being carried in her baby sling, she is dangling from my right hip as I attempt to do all kinds of household jobs one-handed. It makes for many a comical moment!

So it goes without saying that I don't get as much time to bake as I'd like. At the moment I'm lucky if I manage a baking session twice a week. So it is extra, extra nice when a half-hour opportunity presents itself and I'm able to try my hand at something new.

I love to bake bread, but with all the kneading, rising and kneading again, it's really not baby-friendly. So today I tried out a no yeast, almost no kneading recipe that really worked out well...it's amazing how much satisfaction can be gained from virtually zero effort!

This is one recipe I'll definitely be teaching my little girl when she's big enough to stand on a chair and hold a wooden spoon...

Martha's No Yeast Bread Recipe:

600g plain flour
15 fl oz water
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tbsp bicarbonate of soda

1. Mix dry ingredients together first in a large mixing bowl and then add the water.
2. Mix well until a dough is formed.
3. When ready, transfer the dough to a well-floured surface and knead for 2 -3 minutes, or until the dough is pliant and non-sticky. Add more flour if needed.
4. Shape into a round, measuring about 1 1/2 inches deep.
5. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 200C/400F for about 40 minutes.

Thoughts On Home-schooling

Home-schooling. I never anticipated that I would ever so much as consider it, let alone harbour a desire to practice it.

But since my daughter was born, just 6 months ago, I have become more and more interested in the ways of the home-schooler and how I might approach this enormous task.

Obviously, it goes without saying that I alone am not making any decision regarding my daughter's education and ultimately the final say will be had by her Daddy.

But Hubby has given me the go ahead to look into it, to research and find out how it is practised in the UK. And so I have, with relish.

A trip to the library has provided me with ample reading material as a starting point and I am already racing through my "beginners" book 'Learning Without School', by Ross Mountney.

The decision to home-school before your child has begun school is presented as a fairly easy one to make. Children who are pulled out of school to be home-schooled are almost always removed due to severe on-going problems the child is experiencing that the school has failed to address. Not so with the pre-schooler. The decision to home-school your pre-school child is almost always a philosophical, moral one.

And this is the very heart of the matter for our family. We are very aware that by choosing never to send our daughter to school, to never even try that "normal" route, we could potentially be subjecting her to a childhood that is set-apart and different. Perhaps painfully so. All for the sake of our philosophies.

And yet, my experiences of state education in this country leave me wishing that I could shelter her from those aspects of school life that I know to be demoralising, harmful, and sometimes even dangerous. This is not the ranting of a religious fanatic who cannot function in ordinary society. These are the concerns of a very normal family who are wondering how they can carve out a happy childhood for their daughter (and hopefully future children) without exposing her to the usual name calling and playground politics of primary education and the peer pressure, sex, drugs and drink of the teen years.

I am very aware that a lot, in fact, most people would venture to say that their school days were relatively happy. Indeed I am one of them. I thoroughly enjoyed most of my schooling and I was lucky enough to make friends easily and do fairly well academically.

But that can't detract from the basic problems that the school system presents in my thoughts. Number one being that parents can't really know exactly what their child is being taught behind closed doors, crucially both by their teachers and their fellow pupils. Again, I have no fear of my daughter making friends with and socialising with children whose family background differs from her own. What I don't want is her to become victim to the far more subtle pressure exerted by an over-emphasis on testing and narrow-minded academia which convinces children that they are worth only what an examiner is willing to grade them. Number two, children who are unhappy at school are often reluctant to discuss their problems with their parents out of a mistaken belief that their parents will be unable to help. Number three leads on from number two, unhappy children who believe they have no outlet for their thoughts and feelings often turn to harmful or negative behaviours that worsen the original issue and make recovery a much more drawn out experience.

Home schooling would virtually resolve all of these issues before they had a chance to even arise. Of course I know it would not be easy. The time and commitment one has to make is enormous. And when more children come along (if it please Him) the time and energy needed only increases.

So, for the time being, I'll keep researching and reading and crucially, praying for the right answer to come.

If anyone reading has any thoughts or experiences on home-schooling either here in the UK or in the US that they would be happy to share, I would thoroughly enjoying reading them. Many thanks in advance!

Trying Times

Martha is going through a difficult phase at the moment. I'm almost certain she's teething...and it's making her really grouchy!

Screaming fits in the evening, fussiness during the day, a desperate urge to have something in her mouth constantly, a reluctance to be put down...ever and frequent night-wakings. It's been a very trying few days. And it is so easy when things are like this to let the frustration overcome me and really lose my temper. So it helps me to remember....

It's all worth it. That big gummy grin she gives me every morning when we've just woken up. That high pitched squeal of a laugh she emits when I tickle her tummy. The way she looks at her Daddy when he comes home every day. She is my greatest blessing and God's greatest gift.

I love being her mother.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate".

Psalm 127: 3-5