Keeping The Peace

My daughter is now nearly 7 months old and I am already looking forward to having our next baby (but no...it hasn't happened yet!).

Before Martha was born, even while I was pregnant in fact, I found it hard to imagine life with a baby. I had never so much as held a newborn, let alone cared for one. Being with a baby (and not just any baby, but my baby) for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week seemed really quite incredible.

Now that I have grown accustomed to my new life as a mother, I'm excited about the prospect of our little girl becoming a big sister.

I'm not naive though. I'm aware that more children equals more work. And since Martha is...how shall I say...high maintenance, I've probably got my work cut out for me.

Life with a baby is never easy and indeed I have found in some ways that I have to work harder the older Martha gets. She is no longer content just to sit in her baby sling while I do some work or send an email or go for a walk. Now that she's "all grown up" she has opinions about what she wants to see and do and she's not afraid to express them! So instead of having a nap while I rustle up some biscuits in the kitchen or do the hoovering, Martha now makes attempts to get involved, by reaching out to put her hand in the mixing bowl or to grab a picture frame off the mantelpiece. Putting her down in her chair with her toys doesn't help much either. They keep her entertained for about 5 minutes or so, until she tires of them and wants something new. Children are most definitely hedonistic creatures!

So we have had to adapt to a new routine in the last few weeks. Martha now spends a lot of time strapped to my hip in her baby sling, but instead of just following Mummy around all day, she now listens to Mummy singing songs and explaining what activities we're engaged in. At various points during the day, the sling comes off and out come the baby books for a little story time. We've come a long way since those colicky first three months...

And it has occured to me that this is the real "trick" to motherhood...adapting. For if anything is certain (apart from death and taxes) it's that children will change as they grow. What suited one week will inevitably not suit the next. Just when you think you've cracked it, your little bundle of joy changes the goal posts and you find you're playing an entirely different game.

So I've made a promise to myself to just roll with the punches. Take each day as it comes. Getting hung up about a burned cake that couldn't be rescued from the oven in time due to a screaming baby is far more hassle than it is worth.

St. Paul's letter to Titus in the NT is a great encouragement for women who wish to dedicate their talents and lives to motherhood and family life...Titus 2 could even be regarded as the home-makers manual. We all know the admonishments...women are to love their husbands, love their children and be home-makers. But isn't it curious that in amongst what seems like quite a list of "chores", no where does it mention that we have to have perfect houses, or bake perfect cakes or remember to dust that spot on the bookshelf that always gets forgotten? It seems no provision is made for over-achievement...or any practical achievement for that matter. And it makes perfect sense really. For example, I would much rather eat a microwave meal that took 5 minutes to 'cook' with a smiling, happy, cheerful person sitting opposite me, than eat a 5 course, lavish, gourmet meal with a stony-faced, silent 'companion' . What matters to God and to our families is not how many jobs we accomplish on a given day, what matters is our manner and our attitude. A smiling face, a peaceful home and a content family is a far greater end of day result than a spotless house and a tense atmosphere.

This Scriptural 'loophole' is the assurance women today often need to hear. It tells us that it's ok to have more than 2.4 children. We won't need to hire a cleaner or a nanny if we have 6 kids. We won't need to have completed a course in home organisation and baby care if we choose not to space our children.

And it's my belief that where God leads, men usually follow(I'd like to emphasise the usually!). Most men might have some basic expectations of how they want their home to be...they might some stipulations about the meals they eat or how they like their laundry done. But what I'm willing to bet my last penny on is that the vast, vast majority of men would rather be greeted at the door by a smiling happy woman and a slightly messy house than by a spotlessly clean and ordered home and a woman who is so tired and frazzled that she can barely raise a smile, let alone a hug and a kiss.

The myth of the perfect housewife is just that. A myth. It's a popular myth granted...all over the media, we are bombarded with images of women who seem to do it all. They look amazing, they have perfect relationships, their homes are immaculate, their children well behaved. But I stand convinced of the deceit propagated by these portrayals.

True home-making has little to do with baking and sweeping and the such like. It is a state of mind. It is an attitude. It is the motivation to create a place of sanctuary for those we love. It is the intention to make a peaceful haven from the world, where peace and harmony rule.

And in that place, it doesn't matter where you have 1 baby or 14. All that matters is that you aim every day to keep the peace that God offers you.

And to top it all off...He'll even help you to do it.


"Seek peace, and pursue it".
Proverbs 34:14

Inspiration

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God".

Titus 2 vs 4-5

Hey Big Spender!

Much is made about housewives and money. I can't count the number of times I have heard the phrase: "I would love to stay at home, but we just can't afford it". It's widely assumed that in order to stay at home and be a homemaker, your husband must either be really rich or you have to live like paupers, surviving on bread and water alone.

Of course, neither scenario is true. It would be false to suggest that I don't sometimes struggle with the lose of my personal income. Having to budget very tightly is new to me, having become used to having the cash to go out for dinner if I wanted, or buying a stash of my favourite bath products to keep for rainy nights in.

But these are of course luxuries, albeit relatively modest ones. And since coming home, I have had to give up the freedom to have and do these things as I please. But it is quite possible for almost any couple* to maintain a lifestyle that neither deprives them of the necessary, nor forces both parties into the work-force.

And once you start making room for the role of homemaker, it's amazing the contentment and pleasure that is to be found in small, every-day details. A morning cup of tea, drunk in bed while the sun streams through the window. The smell of freshly baked biscuits and cakes which you just know you would never find the time or energy to make if you were out of the house from 9-5 every day. The freedom to stop, relax, or even take a walk when you need to, not when someone tells you to. You don't need wealth to afford these luxuries. Deciding to come home may mean sacrificing new clothes, expensive haircuts, perhaps even a car or fancy house, but for the average person*, it can be done.

But in order for this message to spread throughout society, we need to have a major shift in what is promoted and sold as "necessary". Everyone needs to be able to afford a roof over their heads and have enough money to heat it, light it and cook food in it. But holidays, multiple cars, clothes allowances, trips to the hair salon and the thousands of other items and luxuries which we are told we need are expendable. They're just the icing on the cake. And truth be told, they don't bring real happiness or contentment to people's lives. They're designed not to. If you buy a car and are satisfied with it, there will then be no incentive to "upgrade". The same goes for houses and holidays. But flick through any magazine, or pass any billboard and we are sold the message that nirvana is to be found in the tangible, every-day objects that fill our homes and garages.

It's time for a revolution of thought. It's time to reject what keeps us bound as slaves to money and wealth.

Being a housewife is a powerful symbol of this revolution of thought. It is a message to the world that you don't value yourself only according to what someone is willing to pay you. It sends the message that consumer goods don't bring a household peace or harmony.

It's time to reclaim our intrinsic value and be unashamed of what we do and why.

So to all housewives: Embrace what you do! Be proud of this happy calling. And when 'they' question you with a sneer of their face and contempt in their voice, about "just what it is that you do all day"... tell them you're changing the world.

Afterword: I am very aware that there are many people who truly do not possess the choice to stay at home. I know, for some families, both mother and father must work just to make ends meet. And of course for a single parent of either gender, work is the only option. This post is not attacking or judging those who must work, or risk losing their home or having their children go hungry. This post is trying to shed light on the consumer mentality so prevalent in our society that prevents many from staying at home, even when they could reasonably do so. It is this that I think needs to be tackled.

Dear Diary

One of the nicest Christmas presents I have ever recieved, I received for Christmas 2009. A beautifully patterned hard-back notebook.

I've been using it to keep a housekeeping journal. It's such a pleasure to be able to write all my shopping lists, recipe ideas and daily reminders in this pretty little book. I even like to look back at previous day's entries and tick off the jobs that I managed to accomplish. I know...I'm rather sad like that!

But I think the biggest benefit in keeping this little book will come years from now when I look back through my journal at this, my very first year at home. I wonder what I'll see? Will I laugh at badly drafted recipes and oh-so-simple knitting patterns? And what of the reminders to return my overdue library books written in HUGE CAPITAL LETTERS? That will serve as a reminder of my ever-present forgetfulness and occasional disorganisation I'm sure!

But more than any of that, I hope it will remind me that life is one long learning curve and that we never reach the summit of our capabilities. I hope it will inspire me to keep plodding along on my home-making journey. And I hope it will help me remember that my life at home, although small, is a life that has not been in vain. Every page is full of meals cooked for people I love, household chores that helped make my husbands day run just that little bit more smoothly and time spent planning gifts for birthdays. anniversaries, Christmas and Easter.

It is these things that I hope to see when I look back in 20, 30, 50 years time.

In total; a life spent at home with the people I love.

True Confessions of a Catholic Housewife

This blog is more a sort of internet based personal diary than something I hope many people read. And I've started it because I would like an outlet for this slightly unusual, un-politically correct side of me that has emerged over the past year or two.

At my age, most people (and I use this phrase loosely as I know people enter into all walks of life at all ages) are busying themselves establishing a career, perhaps finding a flat or house to rent by themselves or maybe still sharing a living space with a group of friends. They will probably be keen to go out of an evening...to restaurants, pubs, the theatre, maybe a nice swanky bar.

I know. I was doing it until recently. I would eat out in upmarket gastro pubs a few times a week, spend evenings mulling over a lovely dinner with lots of red wine and good friends. I spent my days at the office, negotiating with tricky colleagues and even trickier office politics.

I wasn't a high-flyer, nor did I have a huge salary. But I had more than enough for my rent and bills and I was able to use the rest to plan nice city breaks with friends and go to the local bakery and delicatessan for croissant and coffee on Saturday mornings.

That was the norm. It was my norm.

But another side of life began to emerge. Another quiet, more domesticated version of me bubbled underneath. Slowly at first, but over time it gained vigour and momentum.

I started to bake my own bread and experiment with re-creating dishes I had eaten in restaurants and other countries.

I got my own sewing machine and I spent a very happy weekend learning how to handstitch a cushion cover.

I became obsessed with interior design books, books about gardens, recipe books and anything written about domesticity and the home.

I tried my hand at making cakes and scones and biscuits. I made my own ice-cream.

I bought fresh flowers and read up on flower arranging.

I began to stay in more and more. I lived with a friend but I often had the entire place to myself. I relished solitary evenings spent cooking, baking or even just doing some laundry whilst listening to music.

It became a joke amongst my friends...what a little housewife I had become. Male friends seemed to like it, female friends were both encouraging and incredulous as to my motives. Was I unhappy? Was I trying to impress people? Or was I just plain odd? Even I wasn't quite sure at first. I only knew that these things made me calm, happy and relaxed.

And then one day I stumbled across a book on Amazon...quite by accident. It was listed in the bestsellers section. It had an intriguing title: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It sounded like an animal care book gone wrong. I hunted it out at my local library. It was to be the start of a complete revolution within myself and eventually, my mind, my heart and my most basic principles were shifted.

The book itself I found to be brash, amusing in an odd sort of fashion. But the most basic principle struck a chord with me.

Be At Home. Always. Let Home be your Work.

Marriage I had always wanted. Very much so. And the same with children. But the idea of housewifery being a vocation had not occured to me. I always thought I would work outside the home until I had children. Only then would it be time to stop. Being a housewife for the sake of being a housewife had never seemed like a viable possibility.

And here I had stumbled across a whole genre of literature (of which that book might be considered very much on the margin) dedicated to 'The Vocation of the Homemaker'. I read more and more books. The role of the housewife became tied in with the role of a wife, the role of a mother. These 3 seemingly distinct vocations merged in my mind and I knew, this was the life for me.

The more I read, the more convicted I became. This beautiful plan seemed to unveil itself. I had always prayed, very hard, that no matter what happened, God would lead me to right-ness. The right place, the right person, the right job. Here, to this new state of mind, I felt myself being led. My very ideas of marriage and home life began to change. Marriage, I found, would no longer be about just finding a life partner, someone to share my happiness and my sorrow and start a family with. For me to succeed in a wifely role, marriage would have to be about service, putting my family before myself and (here's where it gets controversial) being subject to the authority of my husband.

The principles of biblical marriage are complex and in my culture they're considered either a joke at best or at worst, a violation of basic human rights. And yet, the more I learnt, the more I read, the more it all seemed to fall into place. I wanted to give up my independence, and the freedom to do only as I pleased and offer my help to a man who could lead me in life.

I wanted to become a true help-meet.

I'm still only just starting out on this road and so much of it I still grapple with. I'm sometimes bad-tempered, lazy and ungrateful. But I have a certainty that I'm at least on the right road. I know it does not lead to wealth, or success or any sort of accolades. But I know that in it's place it will lead me to somewhere altogether happier and more profound; fulfilment.

I won't say this is the life for everyone, but I do say it's the life for me.

Big Things Come In Tiny Packages

I live in the middle of a city in a weeny, teeny, tiny house. It is so small we don't even have a hallway. Walk through the front door and bam! You're in our lounge. Fancy it ain't.

And in alot (ok...most) ways it is rather un-suited to life with a baby. The stairs are narrow and steep, you have to walk through our bedroom to access the bathroom and nearly all our floors are wooden.

But I love this place more than any other. Heating bills are manageable, I never have to spend more than half an hour doing dishes and cleaning our little kitchen and it's easy to run around for 15 minutes before any visitors arrive to get the place looking pretty decent. In short - this small house makes light work for this housewife.

Which leaves me plenty of time to do the things that I really enjoy; cooking, baking, playing with my daughter, reading, knitting, eating and taking baths.

Since I came home last year, I've been amazed by the liberation that this lifestyle brings. Once you start only buying what you need and not the things you are told you want, you find a whole treasure trove of time and freedom to enjoy your family and home life. Giving up the enormous houses, new clothes, flashy holidays and expensive cars buys you the freedom to give up the rat-race and all it's accompanying exhuastion and stress. Our society has found a way to be affluent and materially wealthy. But I wonder how many neglect to see the mass spriritual poverty that is so often a by-product of living in an endless cycle of consumption and acquisition. We're among the most stressed, anxious and depressed people in the world. We're sold the myth that more always equals more: more money = more happiness. More possessions = more happiness. It's clearly a miscalculation. Consuming only what you need does not have to mean living without. Quite the reverse in fact.

I can only conclude what many other people have probably realised; quality of life has so little to do with money, possessions and status. Once you can pay your bills, have a little left over and not worry about where the next pay cheque is coming from, you've made it. There is no extra happiness to be gained from acquiring more. The research is there. I've read it.*

So I'll take my titchy tiny house and all the freedoms it affords me. And I'll count myself just as rich as all those millionaires who will tonight come home to empty mansions, paid housekeepers and expensive takeaway meals.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthadvice/maxpemberton/4273227/Men-listen-up-money-does-not-make-you-happy.html